Divorce

Divorce is a tough topic for everyone, but I feel like it's harder to discuss from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand. That would be me. While I've heard of divorce all my life, that's not my reality, for which I'm grateful, but I do apologize if I say anything insensitive as I discuss it in this week's post.

I discussed earlier in the semester how we do things that are familiar to us, even if we don't see how damaging they may be. This is one of the costs of having divorced parents. It;s statistically very likely that you will follow in their footsteps. I may not understand divorce, but I do know the belief that genuine, lasting love and marriages are nothing but a Disney fairy-tale.

However, just because divorce can be hard or just because you came from a home like that, doesn't mean that's the end, the truth is, there's hope no matter what the circumstances are. So let's discuss your choices as you approach marriage instead, (no matter what stage of life you're in). First, don't go into a marriage with the fear of leaving it.

Some people will tell their spouse "this is my stuff that's yours, let's sign a contract so that if we get divorced, stuff is easier to divide." No. Just, no. This immediately shows your spouse that you don't care about them and that you're fully planning on failure. As a married couple, you become one, without hesitation. You may have issues and baggage to deal with, but a lot of that can be dealt with through genuine cooperation and commitment to your partner.

But what if you have to? Abuse, Alcohol, Abandonment and Adultery are all very real and sometimes divorce happens. It'll hurt, and I'm not going to tell anyone that it won't. But what if there are kids in the balance? Having a father or mother 400 miles away can hurt them and their development a lot. So do you remarry? If so, how do you blend families?

This is the point I want to get to: blended families. Again, don't be twice shy, commit to the new relationship completely. Don't plan to walk out or you will send the same message to those kids to continue the trend. Be one, and this is especially true for how you refer to children. It's not "your kids" or "my kids" it's "our kids." Do not separate them, it'll decrease their sense of worth and your commitment to the family.

Let biological parents do the heavy disciplining. Kids learn early how to villainize people, and it's hard on them to know that one of their parents isn't their parent. So to keep from becoming the "evil step-mother" (or father, both happen) build up trust through love and kindness first, letting the parent they already know teach them the hard fixes.

This is advice for any parent, but especially a step-parent, be loving, a good listener, someone to give wise advice, someone safe, and most importantly, make the children feel wanted. Kids will immediately blame distance or cruelty on "I'm not loved, and I'm the bad one" and will grow up to believe that's how it goes. Don't let them. Teach them through your care otherwise.

It'll take time. At least two years to get into patterns. It takes a ton of commitment and trust. Never keep secrets from your spouse and never separate before you separate. It's possible to have a beautiful mixed family. If you want to see my point and maybe cry, listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8