A cousin came to me feeling lonely. I get that, it's pretty normal for me, an extraverted introvert. (Long story, don't ask... unless you want a post on it.) But he said he couldn't make friends in high school because no one liked him, all the boys near him were jocks. And I laughed out loud. In his mind, as is true of 90% of people that age, they were jocks. Cool, sporty, I-don't-care-what-adjective-you-put-here guys. That's it. Of course, my cousin was more than just his title, but no one else is.
This is rule #1. Stop generalizing.
You know what I hate about teenagers? They think that if they know one thing they know the rest. Oh, wait! That's generalizing. Yes, I know, we categorize people so our brains can rest. Titles help us quickly evaluate our surroundings so we don't have to think too much in crowds and other high-stimulus environments. But the truth is, no one is a title. No one is 2D. Everyone has a story and that story is always deeper and more intricate than they'll tell you out of the gate. So if you want to befriend someone, get over the titles.
Rule #2. Start with small talk, and make it all about them.
People are selfish creatures in some ways. I admit it, I love talking about myself! You know what makes me feel amazing inside? When someone wants to know about me, and what I like. If any of you are nodding, then please remember that this is normal, and everyone feels this way. So to start out in making a friend, ask simple, surface stuff about them.
- What's your name?
- Where are you from?
- How old are you? (for K-12)
- How long have you been here? (for college/work)
- What's your favorite color?
- What do you do for fun? Hobbies/sports
- Do you have a favorite fandom?
- How many people are in your family?
- What's your favorite treat/candy/misc?
- What is your favorite word?
- What's the most random thing you've ever done?
Whatever you do, don't get too deep too fast, and make sure you show complete interest. I've had people talk to me about stuff way over my head. One guy loved building cars, and I could not care less. But it was cool to watch his enthusiasm, and I could never dream of building cars, so I told him how cool it was that he could! He lit right up.
Rule #3. Remember stuff and be persistent.
Some of the people I talk to have little patience for the simple and just want to get straight into philosophy and drama. However, even with those people, my friendship with them developed over small things before the deep ones. One guy talked to me about codes. We'd encrypt notes in class. My cousin likes to get deep too, but even with him, we bonded over anime. Another cousin, I couldn't get through to until we played a video game for a few hours.
All that to say that if you bring up the stuff people already said they liked, they'll feel like you actually listened, and they'll appreciate that. You could try going out of your way to do something they like. If they told you a favorite treat, try bringing it to them with a friendly message. If they like a certain type of game, draw something from the game. It can be stupid and quirky, but it'll show you care. It'll also take time. Don't pressure them to respond. Just do it because you're a friend.
Rule #4. Open up in turn.
Once you've been pestering them for who knows how long, you can try talking a little more about you. Tell stories from your week or exchange notes on how annoying your homework is. The back and forth is really good, but if you notice that you're talking more about yourself and they're starting to shut down, turn it back to them. Make sure that always stays balanced, it can be really hurtful to them if it's not.
Rule #5. Proceed to the depths with caution.
You can float in the above 4 rules forever with a friend. Many people prefer it. I certainly could have been spared a lot of grief if I had stayed on those levels. But there are some times you'll want to get deeper. Some people like to talk deep, even with platonic friendships.
Deep topics include emotional problems, family issues, philosophical discussions, religion, plans for the future, and self-improvement.
I apparently attract that kind of person a lot. However intellectually appealing this can be, and perhaps highly emotionally satisfying, this becomes a slippery slope fast. Sometimes you can say something too sensitive and scare them away, and sometimes you pour your heart out and get too attached. I've had both happen to me. So be careful, but if you and your new friend feel good about the idea, you can talk about deep stuff, and it can be a really healthy outlet.
So again,
#1. Stop generalizing.
#2. Start with small talk, and make it all about them.
#3. Remember stuff and be persistent.
#4. Open up in turn.
#5. Proceed to the depths with caution.
I have anxiety. I'm an introvert. I'm a nerd. I'm a tomboy. I'm over-analytical. I'm clingy. I'm a lot of things people don't want to talk to. Yet I find myself with example after example of making friends that I genuinely care about with these steps. It's hard, and it's scary. But if you're brave and patient, it'll pay off. Test it out and let me know if it works.
As I finish this post, I want to remind you that I am a religious girl. Everything I've listed above stems from a religious understanding of Charity: the pure love of Christ. The second great commandment as is taught in the New Testament is to love your neighbor as yourself. Think about the steps I've given. It's all just a massive show of love for them. Yes, this post was to teach you to make friends like you, but the secret is to like them first. It always will be. No matter what skills you have or the clothes you wear or the money you have, if you can love someone else first, they'll probably return in kind.
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