Genders and Attraction

We are in a world and a population driven by choice. Choice to be who we  want to be, choice to live how we want to live, even the choice to love who we want to love. Never have I supported a force more than the agency of humans! From freeing African Americans from slavery to the Women's Right's movement, we started a wave of freedom to choose and become.

However, all is not well in the world. Quite the opposite, our world is tearing itself apart at the seams. Why? If there are so many positive things happening, than what is the problem. The problem is that few people realize we are actually taking away choice.

For instance, gender. Even before the revolutions of today, girls who loved football and boys who loved dance were frowned upon, even made fun of. There is a reason behind this. In various scientific studies, girls have preferences toward little details, connections, and relationships, whereas boys have preferences toward violence, direction, and efficiency. These actually enable us to do our jobs better, especially in the family.

Women's attention to detail and relationships helps them to be caring toward children, even when the child can't communicate effectively. Alternatively, men's desire for violence and problem solving (along with a physical increase in strength) helps them keep a cool head if their family is in danger, thus they can be protectors. These are, in fact, strengths. In fact, they help out in jobs. It sounds strange, but it works.

So let's discuss the problem with those "categories." Not everyone fits! In fact, most people don't. But instead of accepting that we are all a mix of both a male and a female parent, we freak out about it. I have a friend whom I'll call Crow, who identifies as "pansexual" or essentially "both." When asked why they identify themselves that way, Crow said "it just... fits I guess." Crow was born male but he said "I can't see myself as a boy. I feel a lot more free."

Maybe it may seem freeing to not claim a gender, but ironically, this limits his options a lot. As I said earlier, being one gender gives you huge advantages. He could learn how to cope with the problems in his life a lot better with the awareness of what his natural strengths are, even if he doesn't fit all of them. Worse, if we are decided by how we feel, do we truly have any freedom to decide what to do?

This situation gets worse when we start talking about it. Soon we find ourselves forcing people to follow trends instead of being who they are. Crow, for instance said that "being around trans people helped [him]", as well as his friends, or even just seeing a title for something on the internet. When it comes to his family, he said they didn't influence him at all. Although that may seem good, it shows a neglect of children and can lead to other problems.

One of those problems is attraction. Crow identified himself as not caring about gender attraction at all. This isn't unusual for someone of his age, as he is still young. Yet somehow he is now limited by the assumption he can't love anyone of any gender. He says he's discovering himself and making him happier, but that's certainly not the case for others. (My experience says it's not working for him either.)

Often people become identified as "gay" or "lesbian" for choices they didn't even make. This label being thrown around takes away their choices, to the point it tears them to shreds inside. They frequently become afraid of their family or of themselves, and feel lost without direction in their life. Some try to escape these feelings but feel tied down to "who they truly are." Many feel like no one else will love them. There's a movement to ban therapy for these people. Wouldn't that be restricting their choice even more?

It gets better. When people make choices only for themselves, even if it is their choice, they restrict the choices of others in the process. Take a homosexual couple. Perhaps that's their conscious choice and they don't feel forced into it by anyone or anything. As soon as they adopt kids, they take away those children's choices. A child of a gay couple will never have the natural understanding and comfort of a mother. They'll never believe they can trust themselves.

What about the feminine activist that wants women to have exactly the same jobs as men? If that goes through, consumers will lose the service they received. For example, a firefighter requires a great deal of strength. If girls with less strength get involved, then a struggling family may lose their home or a loved one because of the work employed. Further, as women get those jobs, men will be forced to get jobs with more emotional interaction, which may lead to greater misunderstandings and even arguments. (I should know, my dad sees it in his office a lot.)

Your choices influence others' agency. Think it through and do your research before you do what "feels right."

Culture

Culture is how a population of people function side by side with a system of beliefs. I don't know enough about other cultures and subcultures to tell you precisely what some culture differences are between various parts of the world, but I do know that they vary a lot. To the point where some people when placed in another culture with shut down entirely because of the culture shock.

Amid families, culture can and does become a problem. We are very well aware of immigration in the U.S. and other countries, or at least that it exists. Statistics show that the large majority of these immigrants are families. But because of the legal resistance, they don't always move from one place to another at one time, and it can take a toll on them.

Let's discuss some of these issues. First, what if a dad has moved to the U.S. and has a job, and his family follows months later? What will that do to their dynamic? Well for one, it will take away the father's authority in the family. Without a dad there for a while, the children and the mom will attempt to fill the gap, establishing new roles that disrupt the peace when there is no space for him.

How about we switch to economics? With immigrants taking any job they can get in another country, they're frequently not paid very much. This is great for the businesses, but is highly damaging to the family, as the parents won't have the time and money to provide the kids with the support they need. The family will essentially be abandoned, in spite of the fact they are contributing to society.

And of course there is the age-old issue of culture mix. Do you keep your shoes on in the house or take them off? Do you celebrate this holiday or give it up? What a family keeps or loses from their original culture can affect them in hundreds of ways that we wouldn't even consider initially. That's why America is such a mixing pot. Because some standards of culture have been kept and some have not.

Now why do we care? For those of us who have not immigrated to the United States (or wherever is receiving immigrants in the world) why do we need to know about these people's issues at all? It's because it actually influences society a lot. Many claims are made against immigrants for bringing crime and poverty into the country. This is partially because of the family.

Take our first example of the separation of the father. This family may be legally "together" but it created a dynamic similar to a single mother household. Without a strong father figure, statistics show that the children will grow up to make more negative decisions including teen pregnancies and crime rates.

Regarding economics, if this family is struggling to support their family, the neglect could cause again, the same issues as in the previous example, or even help lead to poverty as they don't know how to get better jobs and climb a rigged ladder of society and business. They will participate in draining government funds and so everyone will struggle for it.

Now these evidences may seem to support stopping immigration, but the truth is, it's no better in many of the countries they come from. There, the pay is equally bad if not worse, they are frequently less safe, and success is frequently defined by drugs or violence.

No I don't mean to suggest we block them out, I mean to suggest that we do what we can to establish a stronger foundation of families. What can we do to make sure that we are not focusing so much on the parents that we ignore the growing population? Is there a way that we can keep families together and stable, on either side of the border? Let me know your thoughts.

Roles in a System

 When you read the word "system" I'm sure your first thoughts are computer systems, gears shifting together as one, or even biological systems. Ecosystems? All of these are indeed systems. They are separate parts with separate roles that all make something work, whether smoothly or otherwise.

And whether or not you've thought about it, one system you're all in, or have experienced, is a family. Whether your family looks like it came out of a cheesy commercial or whether you've chosen a more unique route, whether you're thinking of the one you were born into or the one you formed yourself, you are still a part of one.

I come from a traditional family with a mother and father who have only been married to each other since before my older sister was born and are still together as I'm writing this. My older sister and I were the only children raised in a home where we were taught religious values and life skills as our parents deemed right.

In this system, everyone has roles. My mother pays the bills with the money my father brings home. My sister set an example of academic excellence and artistic talent for me. I personally picked up the role of peace-keeper. As peace-keeper, I place priority in my life on helping everyone else get along. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. We'll start with bad so we can end on good.

Bad: I keep my problems to myself as much as possible. I feel a sense of urgency and responsibility to make everyone happy. I often feel like I don't have a choice about helping them. I'm scared to let anyone help me.

Good: My humility can solve a variety of problems. I become a trusted individual where people can receive help even in small ways. I learn how to cooperate well. My family feels love and safety from me.

Some of this role follows me into my apartment. My roommate will witness, all of these above mentioned points are true about me. Why would I carry that with me? Because it's family... I mean familiar. Oh yeah. family and familiar are extremely similar words. That's because family is what forms who we are. We fit into this space, the rules we learned, the role we played even when we get into the "real world." Think about it for a while.

So what happens when you make a family of your own? Will your role help you or become a problem? Well that depends on how your role affects everyone individually. Will my keeping my problems to myself ruin my relationship with my husband? (whom I don't have yet by the way.) Will it serve as a good way to help my kids cooperate or will my gentle nature cause them to become rebellious? Often we are not conscious enough of how our family will pick up stronger roles in the absence of our roles. Chances are that my family will become more assertive because I'm not. That could be good, or might be negative.

The lesson to take away from this... system of parts is that we must be intentional about the behaviors and roles we pick up. In various capacities, we can impact a lot of other people, even when desperately trying not to impact them. This includes the workplace, mind you! I can be a peacemaker at work every bit as much as at home, and it's essentially I know how that affects others.

It's essentially you are aware of your roles too.

As one last thought, I'd like to ask some help. It's not hard to understand how a house without boundaries is a house in ruins, or how a house that's blocked off is a foreboding mansion. So where does compassion stop and boundaries start? How do you tear down a wall that has been built up for years? Is it even safe to do so? Let me know your thoughts, this is a genuine question I'm seeking an answer to.

Big or small?

In a world where we continue to focus more and more on personal choice and satisfaction, I can't help but wonder how often we bother to think about the rest of this place we call home.

Granted, we often talk about politics, environment, poverty, and safety, but today I'd like to discuss one that we haven't been back to in a long time: family. Family as defined as a group of people consisting of parents and children that dwell in the same place or are legally tied to one another.

I could discuss a million things in this one topic alone, but that would steal the fun from the rest of the semester, so today I'm talking about size and timing.

People say they don't want to have kids too early or hardly at all for a few reasons. The first and most prevalent is lack of money, or other resources. The issue becomes that we frequently will not get to a point where we have "enough" and even then, we overestimate. The second is feeling unprepared. For this one, the truth comes down to a simple fact that we'll never really be prepared for parenthood. It's a trial and a challenge that is unrivaled by any other in this particular time. The best way to become good at it, is to do it, and yes, to make mistakes.

The biggest issue with both or all of these arguments is that if you wait too long or decide against, you'll never get the chance again. Very few people ever say they regretted having kids, but most say they wish they'd had more. It's an opportunity that you only get a little window to experience, and for various reasons, you probably don't want to miss it.

Personally, I come from a family of two, my 6 years older sister and myself, so I have a bias toward small families. However, in class this week, we discussed some of the science behind a bigger family.

The first and most quantifiable reason to have more kids is to prevent the decline in a population. Yes, I'm sure you've heard of over-population and the baby boom before. But science shows that while those might have been plausible before, society now is dropping beneath replacement rates. What that means, is that there will be a lot less people making our world function as highly as we are now. I promise that will be a challenge.

Numbers aside, having more members in a family can possibly have other important effects that quite frankly I've forgotten about. In a larger family, there's a bigger support system for the children in it. It may seem scary to try to keep up with more than two, or even one child, both financially and emotionally, but to some extent, the kids help.

The older ones learn responsibility, an important quality in adults. The younger ones have a wider range of role models. All of them have someone to turn to that isn't as scary as their parents.

In my family, I was the daddy's girl, and my sister was my mom's copy-cat. This did something interesting to the two of us. I became extremely analytical and despised the concept of emotion, and my sister became so emotionally needy that she turned to her friends for support where our family didn't seem to be enough.

My hypothesis is that having more siblings would have helped us both. A brother close to her age would teach her how to think and fill an emotional distance. A sister closer to me would have taught me how to care more about others. Of course, this is just a concept, but it has merit to it.

In other families, whether a follower or a leader, siblings impacted them in a way that helped them become much stronger as adults, which we are currently becoming. Personally, I think we're all just 5-year-olds in 20-year-old frames.

Lastly, and probably least importantly, the less children you have, the less people who can tell your story, the less people who can reminisce with you at family reunions, and the less joy you get in the lives of other humans around yourself.