Divorce is a tough topic for everyone, but I feel like it's harder to discuss from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand. That would be me. While I've heard of divorce all my life, that's not my reality, for which I'm grateful, but I do apologize if I say anything insensitive as I discuss it in this week's post.
I discussed earlier in the semester how we do things that are familiar to us, even if we don't see how damaging they may be. This is one of the costs of having divorced parents. It;s statistically very likely that you will follow in their footsteps. I may not understand divorce, but I do know the belief that genuine, lasting love and marriages are nothing but a Disney fairy-tale.
However, just because divorce can be hard or just because you came from a home like that, doesn't mean that's the end, the truth is, there's hope no matter what the circumstances are. So let's discuss your choices as you approach marriage instead, (no matter what stage of life you're in). First, don't go into a marriage with the fear of leaving it.
Some people will tell their spouse "this is my stuff that's yours, let's sign a contract so that if we get divorced, stuff is easier to divide." No. Just, no. This immediately shows your spouse that you don't care about them and that you're fully planning on failure. As a married couple, you become one, without hesitation. You may have issues and baggage to deal with, but a lot of that can be dealt with through genuine cooperation and commitment to your partner.
But what if you have to? Abuse, Alcohol, Abandonment and Adultery are all very real and sometimes divorce happens. It'll hurt, and I'm not going to tell anyone that it won't. But what if there are kids in the balance? Having a father or mother 400 miles away can hurt them and their development a lot. So do you remarry? If so, how do you blend families?
This is the point I want to get to: blended families. Again, don't be twice shy, commit to the new relationship completely. Don't plan to walk out or you will send the same message to those kids to continue the trend. Be one, and this is especially true for how you refer to children. It's not "your kids" or "my kids" it's "our kids." Do not separate them, it'll decrease their sense of worth and your commitment to the family.
Let biological parents do the heavy disciplining. Kids learn early how to villainize people, and it's hard on them to know that one of their parents isn't their parent. So to keep from becoming the "evil step-mother" (or father, both happen) build up trust through love and kindness first, letting the parent they already know teach them the hard fixes.
This is advice for any parent, but especially a step-parent, be loving, a good listener, someone to give wise advice, someone safe, and most importantly, make the children feel wanted. Kids will immediately blame distance or cruelty on "I'm not loved, and I'm the bad one" and will grow up to believe that's how it goes. Don't let them. Teach them through your care otherwise.
It'll take time. At least two years to get into patterns. It takes a ton of commitment and trust. Never keep secrets from your spouse and never separate before you separate. It's possible to have a beautiful mixed family. If you want to see my point and maybe cry, listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Friday, July 12, 2019
Parenting
Parenting is an interesting challenge. Most parents want only the best for their children, but they frequently don't understand how to obtain that. There are dangers in parenting that, while not critically bad if you didn't know them, can help immensely if you do know.
First, let's talk discipline. If you know anything about children, whether your own or the neighbor down the street, (or maybe even yourself, who knows?) then you know they're a little insufferable at times. I know personally I've seen kids play political cards on me, manipulate their parents or just be incredibly whiny and fussy. Some of these tendencies are from the personality of a stubborn child, but some of them are enforced by the parents. So what do we do?
Well kids want to be respected, and inevitably they will be. So politely request they do something first. For some kids, that'll be enough, and they'll feel trusted. But for others, they won't feel power in that and will ignore you. So after you make requests, give them an "I feel" statement like the ones listed earlier in the blog. This can open their eyes to concepts they didn't think about, like how they are effecting others. If they still don't care, you put your foot down, simply telling them to do it. If none of this works, there are consequences that can be enforced. However, consequences must be clear and logical. Remember, you are training intelligent beings. They WILL eventually figure out the holes in your logic.
So what do I mean by consequences. Well if you're a mature adult, which I would never dare claim for myself, then you would know what natural consequences are. When you jump off a cliff, you'll die. If you leave a metal object in the rain, it'll rust. These are natural consequences, and these are things that kids don't understand. Thus, they are things you must teach them.
If you give them little choices, like what to wear, the natural consequence can play out without issues. If it's a bigger natural consequence, like when a child has a habit of throwing their phone, you can employ a logical consequence, like taking the phone away. After all, if they break the phone, they won't be able to use it anyway. Whatever consequences you employ with a child, make sure to discuss with them what will happen, enforce it the first time, and keep to the rule.
Now there are needs that we all have, and especially need to have nurtured as children. These needs are contact, belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge.These needs are complicated but when left uncared for, can lead to the downfall of anyone.
First, contact. It's a scientific fact, that humans need physical contact with each other. Babies who have been held and cared for will become physically healthier than those with only their basic needs met. This holds true for all ages. Kids who are deprived of the contact they need will become attention seekers, which is annoying, but it demonstrates a need that should be filled, not ignored.
As much as kids don't like chores, they help create a sense of belonging. When you contribute something to the home, like any team, it creates a place where you feel needed and important. I can witness to this, as I was part of the cast in a Renaissance Fair, I contributed my services night and day, and now they feel like family to me, tiring as it was.
Power over your own life is something that a lot of people ignore. But we crave it. When someone isn't given the opportunity to make choices for themselves, they find other ways to obtain power. These include rebelliousness and manipulation. If you give children and teens the opportunity to make choices and even mistakes in their own lives on a small level, it helps them feel confident in themselves.
Protection is something everyone must feel, but sadly it can't only come from the parents. You must teach kids to protect themselves. Now I'm not saying to enroll them in self-defense classes, but teach them how to be assertive, and how to forgive. Assertiveness is tricky here because that means that they can be assertive with their parents too. They can't practice on just anyone, so the parents have to let them see how it works. With forgiveness, they're going to get hurt, so you teach them how to forgive and in turn you forgive them for their weaknesses.
Almost there! We have withdrawal. Sometimes you just need a break. Being a work-aholic or always gaming are both bad. You teach hard work, but you allow cool downs. I think in a world of introverts, this is also true on a social level. Teach them that it's ok to tell your friends "hey I need a day away from people" so they can recoop.
Lastly, challenge. I know in my experience, I get depressed when I'm not learning a new skill. I tune out of classes and I become annoying with my roommates. Some people will make their own challenges through things like thrill-seeking. No matter what happens, it's unhealthy. We are intelligent beings that need to grow and improve, so let talents grow! Teach learning and practice, and you'll be surprised how much they enjoy the challenge.
First, let's talk discipline. If you know anything about children, whether your own or the neighbor down the street, (or maybe even yourself, who knows?) then you know they're a little insufferable at times. I know personally I've seen kids play political cards on me, manipulate their parents or just be incredibly whiny and fussy. Some of these tendencies are from the personality of a stubborn child, but some of them are enforced by the parents. So what do we do?
Well kids want to be respected, and inevitably they will be. So politely request they do something first. For some kids, that'll be enough, and they'll feel trusted. But for others, they won't feel power in that and will ignore you. So after you make requests, give them an "I feel" statement like the ones listed earlier in the blog. This can open their eyes to concepts they didn't think about, like how they are effecting others. If they still don't care, you put your foot down, simply telling them to do it. If none of this works, there are consequences that can be enforced. However, consequences must be clear and logical. Remember, you are training intelligent beings. They WILL eventually figure out the holes in your logic.
So what do I mean by consequences. Well if you're a mature adult, which I would never dare claim for myself, then you would know what natural consequences are. When you jump off a cliff, you'll die. If you leave a metal object in the rain, it'll rust. These are natural consequences, and these are things that kids don't understand. Thus, they are things you must teach them.
If you give them little choices, like what to wear, the natural consequence can play out without issues. If it's a bigger natural consequence, like when a child has a habit of throwing their phone, you can employ a logical consequence, like taking the phone away. After all, if they break the phone, they won't be able to use it anyway. Whatever consequences you employ with a child, make sure to discuss with them what will happen, enforce it the first time, and keep to the rule.
Now there are needs that we all have, and especially need to have nurtured as children. These needs are contact, belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge.These needs are complicated but when left uncared for, can lead to the downfall of anyone.
First, contact. It's a scientific fact, that humans need physical contact with each other. Babies who have been held and cared for will become physically healthier than those with only their basic needs met. This holds true for all ages. Kids who are deprived of the contact they need will become attention seekers, which is annoying, but it demonstrates a need that should be filled, not ignored.
As much as kids don't like chores, they help create a sense of belonging. When you contribute something to the home, like any team, it creates a place where you feel needed and important. I can witness to this, as I was part of the cast in a Renaissance Fair, I contributed my services night and day, and now they feel like family to me, tiring as it was.
Power over your own life is something that a lot of people ignore. But we crave it. When someone isn't given the opportunity to make choices for themselves, they find other ways to obtain power. These include rebelliousness and manipulation. If you give children and teens the opportunity to make choices and even mistakes in their own lives on a small level, it helps them feel confident in themselves.
Protection is something everyone must feel, but sadly it can't only come from the parents. You must teach kids to protect themselves. Now I'm not saying to enroll them in self-defense classes, but teach them how to be assertive, and how to forgive. Assertiveness is tricky here because that means that they can be assertive with their parents too. They can't practice on just anyone, so the parents have to let them see how it works. With forgiveness, they're going to get hurt, so you teach them how to forgive and in turn you forgive them for their weaknesses.
Almost there! We have withdrawal. Sometimes you just need a break. Being a work-aholic or always gaming are both bad. You teach hard work, but you allow cool downs. I think in a world of introverts, this is also true on a social level. Teach them that it's ok to tell your friends "hey I need a day away from people" so they can recoop.
Lastly, challenge. I know in my experience, I get depressed when I'm not learning a new skill. I tune out of classes and I become annoying with my roommates. Some people will make their own challenges through things like thrill-seeking. No matter what happens, it's unhealthy. We are intelligent beings that need to grow and improve, so let talents grow! Teach learning and practice, and you'll be surprised how much they enjoy the challenge.
Thursday, July 4, 2019
Fatherhood
My father shaped my life.
Now I love my mother. She's taught me skills that I'd never give up in a million years. However, so has my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl, from an age where he could hold my head in his palm. Because of this, I've learned skills from him that I'd never trade.
First, I learned humility from him. My family life has never been perfect, but through it all, he's been patient and humble and tried to teach me to do the same. Now, I've learned how to accept when I'm wrong, or even when there's just nothing I can do, apologize, and help heal relationships when I might have let anger fester.
Second, I learned communication from him. Girls have a way of talking in circles, which among girls isn't too bad, but with guys, becomes downright confusing. Because of this, I was taught to say just what I mean with no games. How often this has saved my tail in conversations and avoided potential problems! He knows well how to use manipulation, but taught me to make sure my communication wasn't laced with deceit, but instead was done with honesty and plainness.
Third, he taught me to think. While a lot of girls run on emotions first, I was taught to use logic instead. This skill, while strange, has helped to protect me in a lot of situations. I think through every potential danger until I have a solution. This has helped me manage all sorts of issues in my life, including how to succeed in school. I may be a girl, but not thinking like one has saved my tail countless times.
I'm far too well aware of how often men are unimportant in anyone's lives. With feminist movements saying we don't need men, or with mothers trying to earn a greater income and the privilege to work, it feels like the world is getting out of balance yet again. The saddest part about this, is that statistics show this as a negative trend in families.
For instance, I'm sure it makes sense to a lot of people that if you are in a family, and the father is working, the mother could work as well, and it would give them a greater income, right? Well the math is a little weird here. Statistics show that if a guy is earning $42,000, and the woman earns $22,000, they're actually earning $40,500. This is because of so many other costs in addition to the new income. For one, the costs involved in getting a job, commuting, etc. She's PAYING for the privilege to work.
This is also a problem because of outside spending. When people have more money, they tend to spend more money. Rarely does their comfort of living stay the same.
Plus, what's happening to the kids while this is going on? Nothing good, I'm afraid. Without parents at home, they start to disconnect and rely on their friends instead. If they're young enough, parents might get them to a day care, but then they associate day care with home, not their actual home. Even if they aren't being cared for by someone else, they'll struggle to connect with a working mother a lot more than they will with a working father.
Why? Because women think differently about work than men do. If you recall the comedic comparison of a man being waffles and a women being spaghetti, it has an element of truth. When women work, they bring work home with them. They can't just slide it to the side and think of it later, it will be going through their mind all the time and distracting them from the rest of their family.
In addition to that, women view work as fun. They socialize and mingle, some women even decide to work because they crave this outside interaction. However for men, it's a job. There's nothing fun about it, and they look forward to coming home and being able to relax.
Besides, a lot of times, people date in work environments. With women putting a focus on the social aspect of work, you better believe that the likelihood of affairs increases.
A great majority of men view fatherhood as their most important job, and yet more view their jobs as a necessary evil, but a privilege to help provide for a family. How is it fair to anyone to take that privilege away from them in the name of "I want to." They are a huge influence in families in more ways than I've listed here, and I know I would never trade my father for anything in the world. Would you?
Now I love my mother. She's taught me skills that I'd never give up in a million years. However, so has my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl, from an age where he could hold my head in his palm. Because of this, I've learned skills from him that I'd never trade.
First, I learned humility from him. My family life has never been perfect, but through it all, he's been patient and humble and tried to teach me to do the same. Now, I've learned how to accept when I'm wrong, or even when there's just nothing I can do, apologize, and help heal relationships when I might have let anger fester.
Second, I learned communication from him. Girls have a way of talking in circles, which among girls isn't too bad, but with guys, becomes downright confusing. Because of this, I was taught to say just what I mean with no games. How often this has saved my tail in conversations and avoided potential problems! He knows well how to use manipulation, but taught me to make sure my communication wasn't laced with deceit, but instead was done with honesty and plainness.
Third, he taught me to think. While a lot of girls run on emotions first, I was taught to use logic instead. This skill, while strange, has helped to protect me in a lot of situations. I think through every potential danger until I have a solution. This has helped me manage all sorts of issues in my life, including how to succeed in school. I may be a girl, but not thinking like one has saved my tail countless times.
I'm far too well aware of how often men are unimportant in anyone's lives. With feminist movements saying we don't need men, or with mothers trying to earn a greater income and the privilege to work, it feels like the world is getting out of balance yet again. The saddest part about this, is that statistics show this as a negative trend in families.
For instance, I'm sure it makes sense to a lot of people that if you are in a family, and the father is working, the mother could work as well, and it would give them a greater income, right? Well the math is a little weird here. Statistics show that if a guy is earning $42,000, and the woman earns $22,000, they're actually earning $40,500. This is because of so many other costs in addition to the new income. For one, the costs involved in getting a job, commuting, etc. She's PAYING for the privilege to work.
This is also a problem because of outside spending. When people have more money, they tend to spend more money. Rarely does their comfort of living stay the same.
Plus, what's happening to the kids while this is going on? Nothing good, I'm afraid. Without parents at home, they start to disconnect and rely on their friends instead. If they're young enough, parents might get them to a day care, but then they associate day care with home, not their actual home. Even if they aren't being cared for by someone else, they'll struggle to connect with a working mother a lot more than they will with a working father.
Why? Because women think differently about work than men do. If you recall the comedic comparison of a man being waffles and a women being spaghetti, it has an element of truth. When women work, they bring work home with them. They can't just slide it to the side and think of it later, it will be going through their mind all the time and distracting them from the rest of their family.
In addition to that, women view work as fun. They socialize and mingle, some women even decide to work because they crave this outside interaction. However for men, it's a job. There's nothing fun about it, and they look forward to coming home and being able to relax.
Besides, a lot of times, people date in work environments. With women putting a focus on the social aspect of work, you better believe that the likelihood of affairs increases.
A great majority of men view fatherhood as their most important job, and yet more view their jobs as a necessary evil, but a privilege to help provide for a family. How is it fair to anyone to take that privilege away from them in the name of "I want to." They are a huge influence in families in more ways than I've listed here, and I know I would never trade my father for anything in the world. Would you?
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