Romance

Ah romance, the beautiful maze of emotions and flares and things people seek after with a passion. I, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have seen some interesting trends with the people around me and how they view romance, though these principles are not unique to this sector. Because I’m a scatter-brained human, I’ll discuss three concepts as separately as I know how: dating, the Suspension bridge effect, and idealization.

Dating is a concept that has been taken over by dating apps like mutual, by episodes of Youtube discussing the first date kiss, and by the childhood embarrassment of asking a girl to dance. As a general rule, people don’t actually date anymore. Now statistics show that people do still go on dates, but that’s a different classification altogether.

The process of courtship is a smooth one that begins in your teens, or in the church, at 12, (or 14 or 16, depending on your perspective, follow me here.)  It begins with learning how the opposite gender works, specifically how you respond to them. This is why we go to Young Women and Young Men activities at 12, stake dances at 14, and group dates at 16. Of course the effort is to have fun, but it’s educational too. As you grow older, it slowly morphs into learning what you like and don’t like, until eventually you’re going on dates with people in college to get to know if they have the strengths you want in a spouse.

However we short-change this process by jumping to the end and hiding from the beginning. It’s not a bad thing to go on dates just to have fun! You build social skills that don’t just help in marriage, but at work and with your parental family too. Next, feel free to put your date in situations that teach you about them, like how they are with kids or finances or conflict. That’s the only way you’ll know how they work later. Last, STOP GETTING SO PHYSICAL! First date kisses are not as charming as they seem, and they can actually be extremely misleading and cruel to you in the long run, because of the hormones released.

That’s a great transition to our next topic of the suspension bridge effect. If you haven’t heard of it, go do your research. This effect is commonly used to get girls to fall in love with an interested guy. However it’s 100% false. It’s statistically probable that women will, in fact rate someone as more attractive when they’re put in a scary situation, and it is just as probable that they’ll increase physical touch in this case too. The problem is that this is a feeling-based decision.

The feelings associated with love are things like increased heart-rate, butterflies in the stomach, your breath catching, your mind slowing, the impulse to be held and kept safe. All of these have a parallel to fear. Especially for girls, these correlate to feelings of anxiety and fear. So guys, when she gets close and adorable, I’m sorry, but that’s not towards you at all, it’s away from the thing causing the fear, and will do nothing for your long-term relationship. Sad, but true.

Last and most importantly is idealization. Now I’m going to be a bit blunt here because we’re all adults. Pornography is a concept commonly talked about and warned against. The discussion is always given in the context that men are the only ones who struggle with it. This is false. Pornography is only one example of idealization – creating a false expectation of someone that they can never meet. Girls do this every bit as much as men, but in a different way. Men are more body driven, women are more emotion driven.

So for all those romance novels and women saying “you just aren’t meeting my needs” it’s frequently creating idealization. This concept sells amazingly well, as is witnessed by famous romances like 50 Shades of Grey and various fan-servicey TV shows. But for girls, I warn you, avoid thinking that your spouse will be a prince charming from all the books, because that is just a matter of idealization and will hurt eventually.

Altogether, let me paint a small picture for you: The RAM. A good, stable relationship is one where you know your partner very well, and only then follow up with trust, following trust, reliance, then commitment, then touch. If any of these are out of order, placed as higher importance from one before it, you’re relationship will struggle. Do all things in wisdom and in order, and you’ll have a lot more success.