Making Friends

It's been absolutely forever since I've posted here, but today I knew I had to come back with more life lessons. This time, about making friends. Do I think there's a science to it? Absolutely.

A cousin came to me feeling lonely. I get that, it's pretty normal for me, an extraverted introvert. (Long story, don't ask... unless you want a post on it.) But he said he couldn't make friends in high school because no one liked him, all the boys near him were jocks. And I laughed out loud. In his mind, as is true of 90% of people that age, they were jocks. Cool, sporty, I-don't-care-what-adjective-you-put-here guys. That's it. Of course, my cousin was more than just his title, but no one else is.

This is rule #1. Stop generalizing. 

You know what I hate about teenagers? They think that if they know one thing they know the rest. Oh, wait! That's generalizing. Yes, I know, we categorize people so our brains can rest. Titles help us quickly evaluate our surroundings so we don't have to think too much in crowds and other high-stimulus environments. But the truth is, no one is a title. No one is 2D. Everyone has a story and that story is always deeper and more intricate than they'll tell you out of the gate. So if you want to befriend someone, get over the titles.

Rule #2. Start with small talk, and make it all about them.

People are selfish creatures in some ways. I admit it, I love talking about myself! You know what makes me feel amazing inside? When someone wants to know about me, and what I like. If any of you are nodding, then please remember that this is normal, and everyone feels this way. So to start out in making a friend, ask simple, surface stuff about them.

• What's your name? 
• Where are you from? 
• How old are you? (for K-12) 
• How long have you been here? (for college/work) 
• What's your favorite color? 
• What do you do for fun? Hobbies/sports
• Do you have a favorite fandom?
• How many people are in your family?
• What's your favorite treat/candy/misc?
• What is your favorite word?
• What's the most random thing you've ever done?

I know you've heard these before, and like me, you might be sick of them. But stick with me here. Starting fresh with really stupid, surface stuff is great. It shows that you want to know about them, and can open up to more interesting conversations. If you have anything in common with these questions, you can respond enthusiastically with things like "oh yeah, I love that show too! Do you remember when..." and take off from there.

Whatever you do, don't get too deep too fast, and make sure you show complete interest. I've had people talk to me about stuff way over my head. One guy loved building cars, and I could not care less. But it was cool to watch his enthusiasm, and I could never dream of building cars, so I told him how cool it was that he could! He lit right up.

Rule #3. Remember stuff and be persistent.

Some of the people I talk to have little patience for the simple and just want to get straight into philosophy and drama. However, even with those people, my friendship with them developed over small things before the deep ones. One guy talked to me about codes. We'd encrypt notes in class. My cousin likes to get deep too, but even with him, we bonded over anime. Another cousin, I couldn't get through to until we played a video game for a few hours.

All that to say that if you bring up the stuff people already said they liked, they'll feel like you actually listened, and they'll appreciate that. You could try going out of your way to do something they like. If they told you a favorite treat, try bringing it to them with a friendly message. If they like a certain type of game, draw something from the game. It can be stupid and quirky, but it'll show you care. It'll also take time. Don't pressure them to respond. Just do it because you're a friend.

Rule #4. Open up in turn.

Once you've been pestering them for who knows how long, you can try talking a little more about you. Tell stories from your week or exchange notes on how annoying your homework is. The back and forth is really good, but if you notice that you're talking more about yourself and they're starting to shut down, turn it back to them. Make sure that always stays balanced, it can be really hurtful to them if it's not.

Rule #5. Proceed to the depths with caution.

You can float in the above 4 rules forever with a friend. Many people prefer it. I certainly could have been spared a lot of grief if I had stayed on those levels. But there are some times you'll want to get deeper. Some people like to talk deep, even with platonic friendships.

Deep topics include emotional problems, family issues, philosophical discussions, religion, plans for the future, and self-improvement.

I apparently attract that kind of person a lot. However intellectually appealing this can be, and perhaps highly emotionally satisfying, this becomes a slippery slope fast. Sometimes you can say something too sensitive and scare them away, and sometimes you pour your heart out and get too attached. I've had both happen to me. So be careful, but if you and your new friend feel good about the idea, you can talk about deep stuff, and it can be a really healthy outlet.


So again,
#1. Stop generalizing. 
#2. Start with small talk, and make it all about them.
#3. Remember stuff and be persistent.
#4. Open up in turn.
#5. Proceed to the depths with caution.

I have anxiety. I'm an introvert. I'm a nerd. I'm a tomboy. I'm over-analytical. I'm clingy. I'm a lot of things people don't want to talk to. Yet I find myself with example after example of making friends that I genuinely care about with these steps. It's hard, and it's scary. But if you're brave and patient, it'll pay off. Test it out and let me know if it works.

As I finish this post, I want to remind you that I am a religious girl. Everything I've listed above stems from a religious understanding of Charity: the pure love of Christ. The second great commandment as is taught in the New Testament is to love your neighbor as yourself. Think about the steps I've given. It's all just a massive show of love for them. Yes, this post was to teach you to make friends like you, but the secret is to like them first. It always will be. No matter what skills you have or the clothes you wear or the money you have, if you can love someone else first, they'll probably return in kind.

Divorce

Divorce is a tough topic for everyone, but I feel like it's harder to discuss from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand. That would be me. While I've heard of divorce all my life, that's not my reality, for which I'm grateful, but I do apologize if I say anything insensitive as I discuss it in this week's post.

I discussed earlier in the semester how we do things that are familiar to us, even if we don't see how damaging they may be. This is one of the costs of having divorced parents. It;s statistically very likely that you will follow in their footsteps. I may not understand divorce, but I do know the belief that genuine, lasting love and marriages are nothing but a Disney fairy-tale.

However, just because divorce can be hard or just because you came from a home like that, doesn't mean that's the end, the truth is, there's hope no matter what the circumstances are. So let's discuss your choices as you approach marriage instead, (no matter what stage of life you're in). First, don't go into a marriage with the fear of leaving it.

Some people will tell their spouse "this is my stuff that's yours, let's sign a contract so that if we get divorced, stuff is easier to divide." No. Just, no. This immediately shows your spouse that you don't care about them and that you're fully planning on failure. As a married couple, you become one, without hesitation. You may have issues and baggage to deal with, but a lot of that can be dealt with through genuine cooperation and commitment to your partner.

But what if you have to? Abuse, Alcohol, Abandonment and Adultery are all very real and sometimes divorce happens. It'll hurt, and I'm not going to tell anyone that it won't. But what if there are kids in the balance? Having a father or mother 400 miles away can hurt them and their development a lot. So do you remarry? If so, how do you blend families?

This is the point I want to get to: blended families. Again, don't be twice shy, commit to the new relationship completely. Don't plan to walk out or you will send the same message to those kids to continue the trend. Be one, and this is especially true for how you refer to children. It's not "your kids" or "my kids" it's "our kids." Do not separate them, it'll decrease their sense of worth and your commitment to the family.

Let biological parents do the heavy disciplining. Kids learn early how to villainize people, and it's hard on them to know that one of their parents isn't their parent. So to keep from becoming the "evil step-mother" (or father, both happen) build up trust through love and kindness first, letting the parent they already know teach them the hard fixes.

This is advice for any parent, but especially a step-parent, be loving, a good listener, someone to give wise advice, someone safe, and most importantly, make the children feel wanted. Kids will immediately blame distance or cruelty on "I'm not loved, and I'm the bad one" and will grow up to believe that's how it goes. Don't let them. Teach them through your care otherwise.

It'll take time. At least two years to get into patterns. It takes a ton of commitment and trust. Never keep secrets from your spouse and never separate before you separate. It's possible to have a beautiful mixed family. If you want to see my point and maybe cry, listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

Parenting

Parenting is an interesting challenge. Most parents want only the best for their children, but they frequently don't understand how to obtain that. There are dangers in parenting that, while not critically bad if you didn't know them, can help immensely if you do know.

First, let's talk discipline. If you know anything about children, whether your own or the neighbor down the street, (or maybe even yourself, who knows?) then you know they're a little insufferable at times. I know personally I've seen kids play political cards on me, manipulate their parents or just be incredibly whiny and fussy. Some of these tendencies are from the personality of a stubborn child, but some of them are enforced by the parents. So what do we do?

Well kids want to be respected, and inevitably they will be. So politely request they do something first. For some kids, that'll be enough, and they'll feel trusted. But for others, they won't feel power in that and will ignore you. So after you make requests, give them an "I feel" statement like the ones listed earlier in the blog. This can open their eyes to concepts they didn't think about, like how they are effecting others. If they still don't care, you put your foot down, simply telling them to do it. If none of this works, there are consequences that can be enforced. However, consequences must be clear and logical. Remember, you are training intelligent beings. They WILL eventually figure out the holes in your logic.

So what do I mean by consequences. Well if you're a mature adult, which I would never dare claim for myself, then you would know what natural consequences are. When you jump off a cliff, you'll die. If you leave a metal object in the rain, it'll rust. These are natural consequences, and these are things that kids don't understand. Thus, they are things you must teach them.

If you give them little choices, like what to wear, the natural consequence can play out without issues. If it's a bigger natural consequence, like when a child has a habit of throwing their phone, you can employ a logical consequence, like taking the phone away. After all, if they break the phone, they won't be able to use it anyway. Whatever consequences you employ with a child, make sure to discuss with them what will happen, enforce it the first time, and keep to the rule.

Now there are needs that we all have, and especially need to have nurtured as children. These needs are contact, belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge.These needs are complicated but when left uncared for, can lead to the downfall of anyone.

First, contact. It's a scientific fact, that humans need physical contact with each other. Babies who have been held and cared for will become physically healthier than those with only their basic needs met. This holds true for all ages. Kids who are deprived of the contact they need will become attention seekers, which is annoying, but it demonstrates a need that should be filled, not ignored.

As much as kids don't like chores, they help create a sense of belonging. When you contribute something to the home, like any team, it creates a place where you feel needed and important. I can witness to this, as I was part of the cast in a Renaissance Fair, I contributed my services night and day, and now they feel like family to me, tiring as it was.

Power over your own life is something that a lot of people ignore. But we crave it. When someone isn't given the opportunity to make choices for themselves, they find other ways to obtain power. These include rebelliousness and manipulation. If you give children and teens the opportunity to make choices and even mistakes in their own lives on a small level, it helps them feel confident in themselves.

Protection is something everyone must feel, but sadly it can't only come from the parents. You must teach kids to protect themselves. Now I'm not saying to enroll them in self-defense classes, but teach them how to be assertive, and how to forgive. Assertiveness is tricky here because that means that they can be assertive with their parents too. They can't practice on just anyone, so the parents have to let them see how it works. With forgiveness, they're going to get hurt, so you teach them how to forgive and in turn you forgive them for their weaknesses.

Almost there! We have withdrawal. Sometimes you just need a break. Being a work-aholic or always gaming are both bad. You teach hard work, but you allow cool downs. I think in a world of introverts, this is also true on a social level. Teach them that it's ok to tell your friends "hey I need a day away from people" so they can recoop.

Lastly, challenge. I know in my experience, I get depressed when I'm not learning a new skill. I tune out of classes and I become annoying with my roommates. Some people will make their own challenges through things like thrill-seeking. No matter what happens, it's unhealthy. We are intelligent beings that need to grow and improve, so let talents grow! Teach learning and practice, and you'll be surprised how much they enjoy the challenge.

Fatherhood

My father shaped my life.

Now I love my mother. She's taught me skills that I'd never give up in a million years. However, so has my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl, from an age where he could hold my head in his palm. Because of this, I've learned skills from him that I'd never trade.

First, I learned humility from him. My family life has never been perfect, but through it all, he's been patient and humble and tried to teach me to do the same. Now, I've learned how to accept when I'm wrong, or even when there's just nothing I can do, apologize, and help heal relationships when I might have let anger fester.

Second, I learned communication from him. Girls have a way of talking in circles, which among girls isn't too bad, but with guys, becomes downright confusing. Because of this, I was taught to say just what I mean with no games. How often this has saved my tail in conversations and avoided potential problems! He knows well how to use manipulation, but taught me to make sure my communication wasn't laced with deceit, but instead was done with honesty and plainness.

Third, he taught me to think. While a lot of girls run on emotions first, I was taught to use logic instead. This skill, while strange, has helped to protect me in a lot of situations. I think through every potential danger until I have a solution. This has helped me manage all sorts of issues in my life, including how to succeed in school. I may be a girl, but not thinking like one has saved my tail countless times.

I'm far too well aware of how often men are unimportant in anyone's lives. With feminist movements saying we don't need men, or with mothers trying to earn a greater income and the privilege to work, it feels like the world is getting out of balance yet again. The saddest part about this, is that statistics show this as a negative trend in families.

For instance, I'm sure it makes sense to a lot of people that if you are in a family, and the father is working, the mother could work as well, and it would give them a greater income, right? Well the math is a little weird here. Statistics show that if a guy is earning $42,000, and the woman earns $22,000, they're actually earning $40,500. This is because of so many other costs in addition to the new income. For one, the costs involved in getting a job, commuting, etc. She's PAYING for the privilege to work.

This is also a problem because of outside spending. When people have more money, they tend to spend more money. Rarely does their comfort of living stay the same.

Plus, what's happening to the kids while this is going on? Nothing good, I'm afraid. Without parents at home, they start to disconnect and rely on their friends instead. If they're young enough, parents might get them to a day care, but then they associate day care with home, not their actual home. Even if they aren't being cared for by someone else, they'll struggle to connect with a working mother a lot more than they will with a working father.

Why? Because women think differently about work than men do. If you recall the comedic comparison of a man being waffles and a women being spaghetti, it has an element of truth. When women work, they bring work home with them. They can't just slide it to the side and think of it later, it will be going through their mind all the time and distracting them from the rest of their family.

In addition to that, women view work as fun. They socialize and mingle, some women even decide to work because they crave this outside interaction. However for men, it's a job. There's nothing fun about it, and they look forward to coming home and being able to relax.

Besides, a lot of times, people date in work environments. With women putting a focus on the social aspect of work, you better believe that the likelihood of affairs increases.

A great majority of men view fatherhood as their most important job, and yet more view their jobs as a necessary evil, but a privilege to help provide for a family. How is it fair to anyone to take that privilege away from them in the name of "I want to." They are a huge influence in families in more ways than I've listed here, and I know I would never trade my father for anything in the world. Would you?

Family Communication

Today I'd like to communicate to you the importance of communicating in a family and establish through communication how to avoid old issues in communication so that you can communicate these principles to your own families.

Alright, alright, I'll never write such a cringe-worthy sentence again (in this particular class and time frame). But in all honesty, communication is one of the most infamous issues in marriages and families. Sure you've all seen the jokes where the woman is clearly upset and the guy doesn't know why, or when the guy points out an issue and the girl freaks out about it. It's an age-old issue and honestly I frequently take up the guy's position on the argument, but neither side is correct. There are, in fact, effective ways of communicating.

First, what is communication at its core. It's encoding an idea, relaying the encoding, and decoding the idea on the other side for hopefully the same idea. However, only 14% of this is actually words. When faced with contradicting messages in words, tone, and non-verbal cues, the words themselves were only believed 14% of the time. Tone was believed 35% and non-verbal was believed 51% of the time. So why are girl always trying to read minds? Because they're trained to understand the nuances of non-verbal cues. (This is only partially gender specific, it's mostly societal.)

So if so much in non-verbal, then all you have to do is master that, right? Not at all. People are far too good at recognizing when you don't mean what you say and do. Certain ideas will get through no matter what "techniques" you use. Don't get scared yet! The issue with a lot of techniques is this facade, where people encode differently than they believe. But if you believe what you say and you say it right, that's when it works.

Let's get to the real important stuff now. David Burns, a Psychiatric professor and scholar, suggest a simple 5 step technique. Disarm, Empathy, Inquire, I-Feel, Respect.

These first three are empathy techniques. You start by focusing on where the other person is right, keeping yourself from getting defensive and thus disarming both parties. Then you establish and clarify that you understand how they feel. Make sure you are seeing the other side through empathy. Then you confirm what you learned about them and ask to learn more about their opinions. By inquiring about them, you make them feel heard.

The next step is the assertive one, where you state your opinion and perspective in a simple I feel statement. These are outlined as "when ___ I feel ___ because ___ I hope that ___." This outline probably feels forced, but the principle gets easier with practice. "when" establishes a specific scenario so that you aren't making the other person feel like they're always the villain. "I feel" allows for you to voice your opinions and emotions while disabling the other person from saying you're wrong. It's your emotions, after all. "because" helps them to step into your shoes and understand why you are saying those things. "I hope that" makes it so they can see a clear course of action and improve. Whether they do is up to them still though. It's only a hope, not a demand.

The final step is to convey respect. When you genuinely show that you appreciate and admire that other person, it can work wonders for working things out.

All 5 of these have a common thread. You're helping the other person to feel good. The biggest issue in communication is when you don't particularly care for the needs of the other person, and they can feel that. But in a family scenario, most of the time you do care about them, even if you struggle to show it.

Now some people, including myself, and probably including you, don't actually want to fix anything. There are people and times when we have no intention of making anything better, and sometimes we even want to make it worse. Sometimes you'll be working on these techniques and the other person will just not want to listen. That, sadly, cannot be fixed with any behavior, but it can start with you.

But what if you aren't fighting with someone, you just don't know how to make really hard decisions? In a marriage, this is probably true with questions like where to live, how to handle finances, and what to do about hobbies and interests. A lot of this can be solved using the above listed techniques of caring about the other person. One thing to remember. compromise may be meeting in the middle, but it's at an arms length apart. Reach consensus instead, where you hold each other tightly in a unified position.

Now here's the religion part. The leadership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints work together on hard topics, policies, and decisions all the time. If you think two is bad, try twelve. Yet, they reach consensus. How? The system they use is rather simple. They meet every Thursday in the temple to discuss an agenda. They meet a half hour before to simply express love and appreciation for each other, then they begin with a guiding prayer. They discuss the items on the agenda with equal authority, listening to the spirit for the Lord's will until they all reach an equal agreement, without argument, or voting or anything similar. Afterward, they pray again and then take time for refreshments.

If you're a member of the church, I'm sure most of this system makes sense, even if a little difficult to pull off. Even if you're not though, each of these steps makes sense. Meeting in the temple means they're in a neutral place of safety where they can speak openly and with God's help. Similarly, praying invites God to the conversation as help. This is important because the ideas of men frequently are at war with one another, but God knows the best way and thus this helps them reach only one answer instead of many. Meeting every Thursday, discussing beforehand, and sharing refreshments, all contribute to creating a unified and accepting environment. These add up during the discussion to lead to greater success than you'll ever see in the White House. (Though if the temple is white and it's the House of the Lord, does that mean it's also a White House?)

Anyhow, these methods are some simple ways to avoid major problems in a marriage or family scenario. And I've gone on for far too long (I'm a communication major, this is what I do!), so for this week, I bid you adieu.

Crisis vs. Crises

What is a family crisis? I would argue that it is something that doesn't truly exist. A singular event that breaks a family is rare. However, when a pile of stressors or crises together are working against a family, than one event may tip the scales. Anyone who claims they only had one event that broke their family clearly has a near perfect life with no other issues.

This isn't unlike the economic term "depression." Economists avoid this word because it implies a singular spacious event. They prefer to call it recession, as finances and well-being decrease. This parallels to families in that a singular crisis doesn't happen, but the way that various events stack up does. So let's taught stressors.

In my family, a common stressor was unemployment. I'm aware of at least four times in my 18 years of life when my dad was without a job for extended periods of time. However, I'm ashamed to say I don't honestly know if that number is correct, how long the breaks were, or what jobs were on either side of that time.

The reason? It never had a predictable and obvious effect on me. Unlike other families short on money, I never needed to work, I never went hungry, we never lost our home, and honestly I was just grateful that "daddy" was home! Looking back, however, I see how this changed how my family worked. My mom was so accustomed to being short on money that she started to compensate for it. That made her much more in a position of authority over my dad. She started to worry that we would never have enough, even when he got his job back. (We'll be back here soon)

Another stressor that has affected me and people I know, like my roommate, is medical issues. Surgeries, severe diseases, and continuous medication all place a constant pressure on the time, money, and emotional stability of my family or families I've known.

How about extended family? While some may enjoy the stability of confiding in cousins or married siblings, sometimes it's a huge feud. Various personalities take sides on issues, rallying around individuals and becoming spitting mad at others. Taking care of grandparents can become difficult as everyone loves them but don't trust others to take care of them.

I've also seen the stresses of a rebellious child or toxic family member, whom we tried to work with only to inevitably destroy that relationship to be slowly healed over years.

For all of these, resources become depleted. For all of them people will feel insecure, lonely, or depressed. For all of them blame will be passed around and loyalties questioned. Only when all of these stack up does one face "crisis." It's never just one issue but many. How we cope with them could change the family relationships entirely!

So what to do. You've had problem after problem and you face genuine crisis. How do you cause the family to bounce back and become stronger instead of destroying it?

First, acknowledge that there's a problem. instead of going into denial or avoiding the issue. It may seem easier to let the problem pass without you, but if you don't acknowledge it, you can't respond to it. effectively. Stress will put your mind under pressure, but instead of running away or ignoring the threat, it's more healthy to make decisions and draw closer to the family.

Look at various ineffective methods of coping: drugs, alcohol, sleep, divorce, not talking about it, etc. These are all an effort to get away from the problem, but they don't solve anything. Communicating with your family and finding a solution alongside them is the best way to make sure that crisis makes the family stronger under the stress of life.

Infidelity

If you've been following the flow of my posts, congratulations, because you've passed the easy part of getting married. Now the goal is to keep you there. (Ok let's be honest you're not following this timeline in real life, but it was a catchy way to start.)

Infidelity is commonly seen as someone who has this secret relationship on the side. Their spouse has been unsatisfactory in some way so they wander off and find someone else, trying to avoid getting in trouble for it. I especially liked the fictional story of a man who found out about a magician who could send him into any book he desired and thus could have his dream affair with only the perfect women. Why? Because silly as this sounds, with a bald man in romance novels, it's not too far-fetched.

Disloyalty to a spouse isn't exclusive to a sexual relationship with another person, it can be emotional, solitary, and even platonic! I'll demonstrate this with three fictional people: Amotiph, Solitaire, and Platone (creative right?). All of these have a relationship of some kind with a married woman, whom I'll just say is me in spite of the fact I'm not married.

First, Amotiph is a good friend of mine whom I met online. He's a really nice guy, and I knew him years ago before I got married. Obviously I'll never meet him in person, but that's ok, then I can be loyal to my husband. But sometimes, it's really nice to talk to him when my husband is at work. Life is so hard and sometimes I just need someone to talk to, and my husband just doesn't have the time. Along with that, he's understanding! Always there for me, and it's ok because he's so far away.

So let's actually look at this. Amotiph is a perfect example of emotional infidelity. Instead of binding closer to [my] husband, I'm leaning on someone else. I haven't placed full trust in him, and so quickly I'll feel more disconnected from my husband. I won't think he fills my needs and so I'll be more inclined to find people who can help me emotionally. There may be no physical betrayal, but it's every bit as bad for the relationship and for me. This is one of four types of infidelity, called emotional attached, or romantic.

Second, we've got Solitaire. Solitaire has never met me, he's a stranger I saw online or on the street. He's the smoking hot guy we passed at the coffee shop or the romantic partner in that Hallmark movie. I don't need to watch inappropriate videos with Solitaire in them, though I can. He's everywhere and I know it, even when child restrictions are on my electronics.

This is a combination of two other types of affairs, the fantasy and the visual affairs. These are emotional or physical detached type. Even if it's not directly pornographic, it creates a sense of dissatisfaction with my husband and so I don't come to him as often, and I tend to compare him to unreasonable standards. Instead of being one with him, I scold him for not being good enough. Imagine what that'll do to him!

Third, Platone is a close family member. I've always relied on her for help, and she guided me through all my darkest times and most developmental moments. She's a safe person to talk to, and she understands everything I'm going through with this pain of a husband I have! I don't know how I would cope without her.

Here we see a clearly platonic relationship, not a direct affair in any way because it's categorized by a different type of love. However, it's very dangerous for people to confide in their family members. The first problem is that then I lean on them instead of my husband, which destroys the foundation of a marriage, but it gets worse. Frequently it becomes inflated gossip, and it leads me to despise my husband quietly. It may seem harmless, but it can drive apart a crucial relationship.

Affairs and infidelity is any way that you stray from your spouse and your commitment to them. It's not reserved for a sexual relationship, so it's a much more pervasive issue. Now before I leave, what is there to do about this? Well first, be aware of when you're falling into this and start to hide your true loyalties from your spouse. Then, tell your spouse what's wrong! It may seem nerve-wracking, but telling them will help you to work through it and build up that connection. It's a matter of trust and loyalty, so maintaining that is of utmost importance.