Family Communication

Today I'd like to communicate to you the importance of communicating in a family and establish through communication how to avoid old issues in communication so that you can communicate these principles to your own families.

Alright, alright, I'll never write such a cringe-worthy sentence again (in this particular class and time frame). But in all honesty, communication is one of the most infamous issues in marriages and families. Sure you've all seen the jokes where the woman is clearly upset and the guy doesn't know why, or when the guy points out an issue and the girl freaks out about it. It's an age-old issue and honestly I frequently take up the guy's position on the argument, but neither side is correct. There are, in fact, effective ways of communicating.

First, what is communication at its core. It's encoding an idea, relaying the encoding, and decoding the idea on the other side for hopefully the same idea. However, only 14% of this is actually words. When faced with contradicting messages in words, tone, and non-verbal cues, the words themselves were only believed 14% of the time. Tone was believed 35% and non-verbal was believed 51% of the time. So why are girl always trying to read minds? Because they're trained to understand the nuances of non-verbal cues. (This is only partially gender specific, it's mostly societal.)

So if so much in non-verbal, then all you have to do is master that, right? Not at all. People are far too good at recognizing when you don't mean what you say and do. Certain ideas will get through no matter what "techniques" you use. Don't get scared yet! The issue with a lot of techniques is this facade, where people encode differently than they believe. But if you believe what you say and you say it right, that's when it works.

Let's get to the real important stuff now. David Burns, a Psychiatric professor and scholar, suggest a simple 5 step technique. Disarm, Empathy, Inquire, I-Feel, Respect.

These first three are empathy techniques. You start by focusing on where the other person is right, keeping yourself from getting defensive and thus disarming both parties. Then you establish and clarify that you understand how they feel. Make sure you are seeing the other side through empathy. Then you confirm what you learned about them and ask to learn more about their opinions. By inquiring about them, you make them feel heard.

The next step is the assertive one, where you state your opinion and perspective in a simple I feel statement. These are outlined as "when ___ I feel ___ because ___ I hope that ___." This outline probably feels forced, but the principle gets easier with practice. "when" establishes a specific scenario so that you aren't making the other person feel like they're always the villain. "I feel" allows for you to voice your opinions and emotions while disabling the other person from saying you're wrong. It's your emotions, after all. "because" helps them to step into your shoes and understand why you are saying those things. "I hope that" makes it so they can see a clear course of action and improve. Whether they do is up to them still though. It's only a hope, not a demand.

The final step is to convey respect. When you genuinely show that you appreciate and admire that other person, it can work wonders for working things out.

All 5 of these have a common thread. You're helping the other person to feel good. The biggest issue in communication is when you don't particularly care for the needs of the other person, and they can feel that. But in a family scenario, most of the time you do care about them, even if you struggle to show it.

Now some people, including myself, and probably including you, don't actually want to fix anything. There are people and times when we have no intention of making anything better, and sometimes we even want to make it worse. Sometimes you'll be working on these techniques and the other person will just not want to listen. That, sadly, cannot be fixed with any behavior, but it can start with you.

But what if you aren't fighting with someone, you just don't know how to make really hard decisions? In a marriage, this is probably true with questions like where to live, how to handle finances, and what to do about hobbies and interests. A lot of this can be solved using the above listed techniques of caring about the other person. One thing to remember. compromise may be meeting in the middle, but it's at an arms length apart. Reach consensus instead, where you hold each other tightly in a unified position.

Now here's the religion part. The leadership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints work together on hard topics, policies, and decisions all the time. If you think two is bad, try twelve. Yet, they reach consensus. How? The system they use is rather simple. They meet every Thursday in the temple to discuss an agenda. They meet a half hour before to simply express love and appreciation for each other, then they begin with a guiding prayer. They discuss the items on the agenda with equal authority, listening to the spirit for the Lord's will until they all reach an equal agreement, without argument, or voting or anything similar. Afterward, they pray again and then take time for refreshments.

If you're a member of the church, I'm sure most of this system makes sense, even if a little difficult to pull off. Even if you're not though, each of these steps makes sense. Meeting in the temple means they're in a neutral place of safety where they can speak openly and with God's help. Similarly, praying invites God to the conversation as help. This is important because the ideas of men frequently are at war with one another, but God knows the best way and thus this helps them reach only one answer instead of many. Meeting every Thursday, discussing beforehand, and sharing refreshments, all contribute to creating a unified and accepting environment. These add up during the discussion to lead to greater success than you'll ever see in the White House. (Though if the temple is white and it's the House of the Lord, does that mean it's also a White House?)

Anyhow, these methods are some simple ways to avoid major problems in a marriage or family scenario. And I've gone on for far too long (I'm a communication major, this is what I do!), so for this week, I bid you adieu.

Crisis vs. Crises

What is a family crisis? I would argue that it is something that doesn't truly exist. A singular event that breaks a family is rare. However, when a pile of stressors or crises together are working against a family, than one event may tip the scales. Anyone who claims they only had one event that broke their family clearly has a near perfect life with no other issues.

This isn't unlike the economic term "depression." Economists avoid this word because it implies a singular spacious event. They prefer to call it recession, as finances and well-being decrease. This parallels to families in that a singular crisis doesn't happen, but the way that various events stack up does. So let's taught stressors.

In my family, a common stressor was unemployment. I'm aware of at least four times in my 18 years of life when my dad was without a job for extended periods of time. However, I'm ashamed to say I don't honestly know if that number is correct, how long the breaks were, or what jobs were on either side of that time.

The reason? It never had a predictable and obvious effect on me. Unlike other families short on money, I never needed to work, I never went hungry, we never lost our home, and honestly I was just grateful that "daddy" was home! Looking back, however, I see how this changed how my family worked. My mom was so accustomed to being short on money that she started to compensate for it. That made her much more in a position of authority over my dad. She started to worry that we would never have enough, even when he got his job back. (We'll be back here soon)

Another stressor that has affected me and people I know, like my roommate, is medical issues. Surgeries, severe diseases, and continuous medication all place a constant pressure on the time, money, and emotional stability of my family or families I've known.

How about extended family? While some may enjoy the stability of confiding in cousins or married siblings, sometimes it's a huge feud. Various personalities take sides on issues, rallying around individuals and becoming spitting mad at others. Taking care of grandparents can become difficult as everyone loves them but don't trust others to take care of them.

I've also seen the stresses of a rebellious child or toxic family member, whom we tried to work with only to inevitably destroy that relationship to be slowly healed over years.

For all of these, resources become depleted. For all of them people will feel insecure, lonely, or depressed. For all of them blame will be passed around and loyalties questioned. Only when all of these stack up does one face "crisis." It's never just one issue but many. How we cope with them could change the family relationships entirely!

So what to do. You've had problem after problem and you face genuine crisis. How do you cause the family to bounce back and become stronger instead of destroying it?

First, acknowledge that there's a problem. instead of going into denial or avoiding the issue. It may seem easier to let the problem pass without you, but if you don't acknowledge it, you can't respond to it. effectively. Stress will put your mind under pressure, but instead of running away or ignoring the threat, it's more healthy to make decisions and draw closer to the family.

Look at various ineffective methods of coping: drugs, alcohol, sleep, divorce, not talking about it, etc. These are all an effort to get away from the problem, but they don't solve anything. Communicating with your family and finding a solution alongside them is the best way to make sure that crisis makes the family stronger under the stress of life.

Infidelity

If you've been following the flow of my posts, congratulations, because you've passed the easy part of getting married. Now the goal is to keep you there. (Ok let's be honest you're not following this timeline in real life, but it was a catchy way to start.)

Infidelity is commonly seen as someone who has this secret relationship on the side. Their spouse has been unsatisfactory in some way so they wander off and find someone else, trying to avoid getting in trouble for it. I especially liked the fictional story of a man who found out about a magician who could send him into any book he desired and thus could have his dream affair with only the perfect women. Why? Because silly as this sounds, with a bald man in romance novels, it's not too far-fetched.

Disloyalty to a spouse isn't exclusive to a sexual relationship with another person, it can be emotional, solitary, and even platonic! I'll demonstrate this with three fictional people: Amotiph, Solitaire, and Platone (creative right?). All of these have a relationship of some kind with a married woman, whom I'll just say is me in spite of the fact I'm not married.

First, Amotiph is a good friend of mine whom I met online. He's a really nice guy, and I knew him years ago before I got married. Obviously I'll never meet him in person, but that's ok, then I can be loyal to my husband. But sometimes, it's really nice to talk to him when my husband is at work. Life is so hard and sometimes I just need someone to talk to, and my husband just doesn't have the time. Along with that, he's understanding! Always there for me, and it's ok because he's so far away.

So let's actually look at this. Amotiph is a perfect example of emotional infidelity. Instead of binding closer to [my] husband, I'm leaning on someone else. I haven't placed full trust in him, and so quickly I'll feel more disconnected from my husband. I won't think he fills my needs and so I'll be more inclined to find people who can help me emotionally. There may be no physical betrayal, but it's every bit as bad for the relationship and for me. This is one of four types of infidelity, called emotional attached, or romantic.

Second, we've got Solitaire. Solitaire has never met me, he's a stranger I saw online or on the street. He's the smoking hot guy we passed at the coffee shop or the romantic partner in that Hallmark movie. I don't need to watch inappropriate videos with Solitaire in them, though I can. He's everywhere and I know it, even when child restrictions are on my electronics.

This is a combination of two other types of affairs, the fantasy and the visual affairs. These are emotional or physical detached type. Even if it's not directly pornographic, it creates a sense of dissatisfaction with my husband and so I don't come to him as often, and I tend to compare him to unreasonable standards. Instead of being one with him, I scold him for not being good enough. Imagine what that'll do to him!

Third, Platone is a close family member. I've always relied on her for help, and she guided me through all my darkest times and most developmental moments. She's a safe person to talk to, and she understands everything I'm going through with this pain of a husband I have! I don't know how I would cope without her.

Here we see a clearly platonic relationship, not a direct affair in any way because it's categorized by a different type of love. However, it's very dangerous for people to confide in their family members. The first problem is that then I lean on them instead of my husband, which destroys the foundation of a marriage, but it gets worse. Frequently it becomes inflated gossip, and it leads me to despise my husband quietly. It may seem harmless, but it can drive apart a crucial relationship.

Affairs and infidelity is any way that you stray from your spouse and your commitment to them. It's not reserved for a sexual relationship, so it's a much more pervasive issue. Now before I leave, what is there to do about this? Well first, be aware of when you're falling into this and start to hide your true loyalties from your spouse. Then, tell your spouse what's wrong! It may seem nerve-wracking, but telling them will help you to work through it and build up that connection. It's a matter of trust and loyalty, so maintaining that is of utmost importance.

Marriage

"After college, I'll get a job, settle down, and have a family."

Ah what a naive notion. Having a family and settling down have nothing to do with each other. Just ask all those jumpy little kids, trust me, there's nothing like it. There are lots of decisions and struggles we go through during the stages of the marriage and the first child. Said decisions can either make your life happier and family stronger, or cause it to all go downhill. No pressure.

The good news about all this, is that there's one simple solution to all of it. Work together, not alone.

First, let's talk engagement and the marriage itself. This particular time period is a balancing act of what is expected of the bride and groom, what the parents want, what the public wants, what traditions to hold, and where fun comes in. This is also a time when the first problems come up. Often, these events are considered to be something the bride and her mother do, and the groom is left out of. However that's a great fast-track to feeling left out and separated from your spouse long-term.

Not only that, but it can simply be a lot of stress to put on the already stressed women! Guys are natural problem-solvers, and believe it or not, they want to be involved. Alongside that, you may consider letting more of your family help. As outside family pitches in on the decisions and resources of a wedding and reception, it can help keep costs lower and allow the family to have more fun! Tradition does have a place in this, but having a good time and thinking back on a fun experience will last a lot longer than what you were "supposed to do."

Besides, studies show that every dollar you spend more that $25,000 on a wedding, will decrease the chances of success in the marriage. So less stress, better relationship.

Second, Once you are married, then what? Well then husband and wife are faced with the task of making decisions. Will they follow what their parents taught them, or forge their own path? How will they handle conflict? How will they disconnect from their families without offending anyone? How will they raise their kids? How do you split finances? These among others are just the start of a long list of considerations.

Whatever you choose on these topics, don't forget to work together. The biggest problems in an early relationship is miscommunications and lack of involvement. In a traditional family, if the man is working a lot, the woman may start to feel like he loves his job more that her, so she retreats from him. Seeing this retreat, and possibly an equal amount of drained time to a child, the man may say that the woman doesn't want him involved in their lives and so he will work harder separately. Well spoiler alert, the management of time that these two are frustrated about is actually a demonstration of love. It's important to remember that and communicate it through.

That said, a husband and wife can sometimes feel separated by the presence of a child, or two, or more. While that can feel like a strain on the relationship, if it's done right, parenting can draw the couple together more. The key here is to simultaneously act as parents. Women may be the ones to bare the child, but if given the opportunity, men can experience the same excitement! (Not the pain, but who would wish that on anyone?) This is why one of the greatest demonstrations of love a husband can show is to be a dad when mom is asleep.

Of course, these are just suggestions. But the point is, work together. As a couple, no child can tear you apart if you raised it together. No financial or familial challenge can either. It requires focus and attention to maintain that connection and trust with your partner, but if you do, you're relationship will continue to grow and flourish no matter what.

Romance

Ah romance, the beautiful maze of emotions and flares and things people seek after with a passion. I, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have seen some interesting trends with the people around me and how they view romance, though these principles are not unique to this sector. Because I’m a scatter-brained human, I’ll discuss three concepts as separately as I know how: dating, the Suspension bridge effect, and idealization.

Dating is a concept that has been taken over by dating apps like mutual, by episodes of Youtube discussing the first date kiss, and by the childhood embarrassment of asking a girl to dance. As a general rule, people don’t actually date anymore. Now statistics show that people do still go on dates, but that’s a different classification altogether.

The process of courtship is a smooth one that begins in your teens, or in the church, at 12, (or 14 or 16, depending on your perspective, follow me here.)  It begins with learning how the opposite gender works, specifically how you respond to them. This is why we go to Young Women and Young Men activities at 12, stake dances at 14, and group dates at 16. Of course the effort is to have fun, but it’s educational too. As you grow older, it slowly morphs into learning what you like and don’t like, until eventually you’re going on dates with people in college to get to know if they have the strengths you want in a spouse.

However we short-change this process by jumping to the end and hiding from the beginning. It’s not a bad thing to go on dates just to have fun! You build social skills that don’t just help in marriage, but at work and with your parental family too. Next, feel free to put your date in situations that teach you about them, like how they are with kids or finances or conflict. That’s the only way you’ll know how they work later. Last, STOP GETTING SO PHYSICAL! First date kisses are not as charming as they seem, and they can actually be extremely misleading and cruel to you in the long run, because of the hormones released.

That’s a great transition to our next topic of the suspension bridge effect. If you haven’t heard of it, go do your research. This effect is commonly used to get girls to fall in love with an interested guy. However it’s 100% false. It’s statistically probable that women will, in fact rate someone as more attractive when they’re put in a scary situation, and it is just as probable that they’ll increase physical touch in this case too. The problem is that this is a feeling-based decision.

The feelings associated with love are things like increased heart-rate, butterflies in the stomach, your breath catching, your mind slowing, the impulse to be held and kept safe. All of these have a parallel to fear. Especially for girls, these correlate to feelings of anxiety and fear. So guys, when she gets close and adorable, I’m sorry, but that’s not towards you at all, it’s away from the thing causing the fear, and will do nothing for your long-term relationship. Sad, but true.

Last and most importantly is idealization. Now I’m going to be a bit blunt here because we’re all adults. Pornography is a concept commonly talked about and warned against. The discussion is always given in the context that men are the only ones who struggle with it. This is false. Pornography is only one example of idealization – creating a false expectation of someone that they can never meet. Girls do this every bit as much as men, but in a different way. Men are more body driven, women are more emotion driven.

So for all those romance novels and women saying “you just aren’t meeting my needs” it’s frequently creating idealization. This concept sells amazingly well, as is witnessed by famous romances like 50 Shades of Grey and various fan-servicey TV shows. But for girls, I warn you, avoid thinking that your spouse will be a prince charming from all the books, because that is just a matter of idealization and will hurt eventually.

Altogether, let me paint a small picture for you: The RAM. A good, stable relationship is one where you know your partner very well, and only then follow up with trust, following trust, reliance, then commitment, then touch. If any of these are out of order, placed as higher importance from one before it, you’re relationship will struggle. Do all things in wisdom and in order, and you’ll have a lot more success.